This is one my favorite pictures. Me and my cancer survivor and BMT survivor! It brings me back to a time of heartache, love, trial, and closeness. More than four years of our life was put on hold for this disease and I don’t claim to have done the best job at doing it, it was just the best I knew how.
I was her primary care taker, she wanted me to do everything, change dressings, give her the shots just in the right spot, help her take the right doses of medicine, give her chemo (I had to give it to her at home at one point). There was a lot. At times my brain was on overload, so many things to remember. Having to go inpatient was bitter sweet, I didn’t want to have her in the hospital at all, but I didn’t have to worry about getting her medicine box filled, remembering what meds on what day and how many ml or how many pills. I got help from the wonderful nurses. It was selfish I know, but like I said, I know I made mistakes.
During this time, I wasn’t able to go camping, or hiking or swimming or see family. I was home with my daughter, whose counts were to low, and being a BMT patient, she couldn’t be around dust, and she couldn’t drink well water, if it was a windy day, I had to take her inside. There were activities she just wasn’t allowed to go to and after a while I didn’t really care if I didn’t get to go, maybe it was survival, so I wouldn’t be so sad. There would be days I would sit in my room, sad and overwhelmed, not wanting to come out if company was there. It was an emotional roller coaster. I gave up 4+ years of the things I wanted and we all wanted, to take care of her. And all through this time my hubby and I learned not to judge anyone. You never know what is really going on in someones life to make them act or not act in a manner different than you. We try really hard to give benefit of the doubt and remember how hard it was for us and have compassion for those who struggle. Maybe I didn’t act how others thought I should, but it is how I survived and finally three years past BMT I have been able to get back to a sense of normal, although I won’t be the same person I was before cancer, who could be, but I am able to want to do things I enjoyed before. I believe I gave up the things I wanted to be a care taker for my daughter, in order for me to become the person I need to be.